I just made that up.  But, now I will have to #sillyinstagramtuesday so I can be sure I was first.

Because people like lists, and because I am so completely addicted to Instagram that my face has literally grown roots into my phone from all of the staring I do at the screen, I have decided to combine my love of both into this awesome, soon-to-be-weekly column.  Also, because I mean that literally, you have to know that the upkeep on face-to-device agricultural undertakings is both costly and inconvenient.  My new, Groot-like countenance is impossible to adorn because mascara, rouge, and eyeshadow do not stick to tree bark.  I have done this for you, dear readers.  You are welcome.

I have compiled a list of the five weirdest things I have seen on Instagram in the last week.  No porn.  Porn is dumb.  Porn is annoying.  I typed in #cake because I wanted to make a delicious birthday cake for my two BFFs, and – right there in the middle of the feed – was a big, fat dick.  If I wanted to see a dick, I need only search #trumpforpresident.  Anyway, here is my list for this week!  Enjoy!

This capybara in a dress.

This is a picture of Sweetie the Capybara (@sweetiecapy).  Honestly, if I didn’t have you at “…capybara in a dress,” then I don’t want you.  The last time I can recall any worthy incorporation of a capybara in mainstream media was “Speak.”  Speak belonged to The Tick.  Again, if that means nothing to you, please go.  I’ll just have my friends collect my records and then change my number.

This dachshund wearing reindeer antlers.

Seriously, if I didn’t have you at “…capybara in a dress,” then look away, because this is a dachshund in reindeer antlers who is in a wheelchair, wearing a diaper, and playing with toy peas.  At no point did I ever consider the possibility that at any time in my adult life, I would get to type that last sentence, but here I am.  This is Princess LiLo (@PRINSS_LILO_WEENIE).  I love her.

This squirrel in an ugly Christmas sweater.

How the hell do you get a sweater on a squirrel?  I tried to put a onesie on my cat to keep her from chewing at some stitches and that was like playing Red Rover with some razor wire.  In all cases, this squirrel is so gahdamn cute that I can barely stand it.  Yes, that misspelling was intentional.  This is Jill (@THIS_GIRL_IS_A_SQUIRREL).  She might be the cutest thing I have seen in my entire life thus far.

Nicholas Cage face-swapping with some cats.

As one does if you are Nicholas Cage.  I don’t think this requires any further explanation.  Unfortunately, I do not recall from whom I swiped the screenshot.

This motherf*cker.

What in the actual f*ck is going on in this picture?  What the f*ck kind of doll is that?  Why is he smoking?  Why does he need new shoes, let alone any shoes?  What did he do to wear out the last pair?  This cat gets shoes from Foot Locker.  I never even took my kids to Foot Locker for shoes.  This transaction would not have been without an interrogation had I been present.