Based on a story so unbelievable and outrageous that it pauses late in its run time to remind the audience that it is still true, Pain & Gain is funny, twisted and really long.

Pain & Gain tells a bizarro true tale of three idiot body builders, two of whom are former inmates, who launch a ridiculous plot to kidnap and rob. Daniel Lugo (Mark Wahlberg), a convicted con man turned personal trainer, finds himself dissatisfied with just tripling his employer’s membership as he realizes that regardless of how pumped up or successful he will be as a personal trainer he will always be looked down upon by the clients and the world at large. After attending a motivational workshop by speaker Johnny Wu (Ken Jeong), Danny decides he needs to be a doer and improve his life. He sets his sights on Victor Kershaw (Tony Shalhoub) a business man and restaurant owner who Danny grows to despise. Danny doesn’t just want to take Kershaw’s money, he specifically doesn’t want Kershaw to have it anymore. Danny enlists his best friend at the gym,  Adrian (Anthony Mackie), and a new comer fresh out of the joint Paul (Dwayne Johnson) who is trying to get right with Jesus and stay sober but is too stupid to see his way out of kidnapping and extortion. And all manner of bizarre turns of events, violence and hilarity ensues.

Pain & Gain is kind of a weird movie told in a gleeful way with multiple narrators that shifts style and perspective depending on who is narrating at the time. This leads to jumps in tone and focus depending on who is driving the story at the moment and allows director Michael Bay to do all manner of slow motion, flashy camera moves, strange angles, sped up motion, surreal scenes and a whole bunch of naked women.  The whole thing feels as if Crank and Fargo had unprotected sex in the back of a Lamborghini, probably while it was exploding, and this is what the product was. This may sound like an insult to the film but it really isn’t.

As crazy as the movie is in terms of how it is shot, the story is much crazier. The more bizarre aspects of what happened are amazingly true and even with the film as frenetic as it is, it is kind of hard to accept at times. That the three guys are desperately stupid helps a lot and the fact that Kershaw is a really huge douchebag also helps. The only really decent human being in the whole picture is retired cop/private detective Ed Dubios (Ed Harris) and he doesn’t show up until pretty late in the movie. This, I think, is going to be one of the main pain points for people in this movie. It is crazy and strange and there is no one to root for until the second half of the movie and it might be a bit much. That being said, the four people who walked out of my screening didn’t do it until the end of the second act so maybe I am wrong. I found that puzzling because by that point I figure it would be better just to ride it out.

One of the things that makes this movie work, however, is that it is really funny. Sure a lot of it is gallows humor but most comes from just how absurd these people are and how completely committed they are to what they are doing. The dialogue is generally hilarious with Danny talking almost exclusively in weightlifting and self-help platitudes in a very real belief that what they are doing is morally justified, Paul framing everything in Christian and AA terms and Adrian literally doing everything he does in the movie so that he can make his penis work and provide for his new wife. Further the plans that they construct and they ways they try to maneuver in them are very funny. When they turn bloody these antics are horrifying but even still they way they go about things is funny in as dark a way as possible.

The performances here really bolster the material in that the three leads, Wahlberg, Mackie and Johnson,  play their characters without out an ounce of self awareness and no winking to the camera whatsoever. They really go for it in terms of their characters’ stupidity without overdoing it but also without trying to let the audience know that the actors underneath aren’t stupid. This commitment to the material is integral to selling it and all three of them do a great job. Johnson shines in particular through his character’s struggles with who he wants to be in the face of what he is doing. Shalhoub is pretty fantastically slimy as Kershaw and it is difficult to sympathize with him as a victim even when horrible things happen but again he commits 100% to the role and that is what makes it work. Ed Harris has lighter lifting to do but it is nice that he isn’t an unmitigated piece of shit so he is a very welcome addition. Rebel Wilson is a standout as Adrian’s wife, Robin who is oblivious to his nefarious dealings but probably should have known something was up.

As good as a lot of this is, it isn’t a slam dunk. The pacing of the movie, which is generally frantic and feels like it is overdosing on 4 Loko, is uneven and starts to feel really long. The movie is two hours and nine minutes long so it is not short and the second half feels like it takes forever. I am not sure if it is just simple crazy shit fatigue or that it begins to meander a bit but there has to be some tightening that could have gone on pacing wise. I am not sure what Bay could have done with it really as the density of the material is daunting but it feels way too bloated by the time the credits roll.

Conclusion [8.0 out of 10]

This is definitely not a movie for everyone. There is a lot here that will turn off people who don’t appreciate the violence and depravity, the frantic cuts and bizarre angles and the simple fact that these people are all awful but if you can get on board with what the movie is trying to do there is a lot to like as well. This story is nuts and the characters are unbelievable which makes the fact that it is a true story even more amazing.  If you are in the market for a dark action comedy that tells a crazy story in a crazy way then this is the movie for you. If you like your crime stories more quiet and dignified then you are better served far, far away.