Born from the fake trailer from Grindhouse, Machete delivers on the the promise of all the hardcore violence, gore and sex that that trailer teased. Made in the style of 70’s exploitation pictures, Machete is a better grindhouse movie than either movies in Grindhouse.

When a Texas senator (Robert De Niro) is running for re-election on an anti-immigration platform, his aide (Jeff Fahey) hires a Mexican day laborer (Danny Trejo) to attempt to assassinate the senator.  The job is a set up and the would be assassin is shot and the senator is only wounded, a move that takes his flagging poll numbers from plunging into the basement to going through the roof. Unfortunately, the day laborer assassin survives and is looking for payback. Even more unfortunately, that day laborer is MACHETE.

The plot here has more twists and turns than it sounds like as it involves political conspiracies, an ICE investigation, a makeshift revolution of day laborers against their mistreatment at the hands of a group who hunt illegals in the desert like animals led by Vaughn (Don Johnson), and the funding of the senator’s campaign by a Mexican drug lord named Torrez (Steven Seagal). The cast is fairly large and there is a lot going on here but all of it is over the top, excessive and enormously fun.

Given the nature of the subject matter and the current climate surrounding immigration in Arizona and other places along the border, there are those who are getting their panties in a bunch over some of the themes in the movie and with the tone of the movie being what it is nothing could be sillier. If you go into this movie expecting a serious and honest debate about illegal immigration then you are going to be sorely disappointed and may very well be in need of a psych eval. This is a movie in which the hero, a former Federale betrayed by his own government and almost killed by Torrez before the title screen, jumps out of a window and uses an attackers intestine to swing to a lower window. Realism and honest debate are not even close to being on the menu for this film. That is the whole nature of exploitation films, they take an issue and exploit it for gratuitous sex and violence. This film is very much an exploitation film and by its nature not to be taken seriously.

Machete embraces this legacy wholeheartedly and revels in the excesses of the genre. The action and violence isn’t just extreme but downright ridiculous. Limbs and heads are severed left and right and blood sprays and spurts all over the place. Machete, in addition to the obvious machete, uses all manner of weapons from surgical instruments to a weed whacker to take his enemies down and the sheer creativity of the kills is absolutely awesome.

Likewise, the sex and nudity is over the top and hilarious. Any time Machete is about to get down we are treated to an old school porn music cue so iconic that you could probably hum the bass line right now without ever having seen the movie. Truthfully, with the exception of the best threeway scene ever captured on film, there isn’t much actual sex bur rather a lot of nudity leading up to it. There is even a girl smuggling a cell phone up her cooter at one point as she is totally naked and has nowhere else to hide it. Amazing.

It should be obvious from the above descriptions that this movie’s tongue is place firmly in cheek and that it is all played for laughs. I really can’t emphasize enough that if you are taking anything in this movie seriously you are failing at film watching. I have a hard time imagining how people might think this is serious as opposed to being meant to be funny given the off the wall sound effects and just the absurdity and gratuitousness of it all but I want to make it especially clear.

Between this and Grindhouse’s Planet Terror, Robert Rodriguez has absolutely proven that he is a master of this genre and while I enjoy his other more mainstream films as well I have to say he could keep doing exploitation pictures the rest of his career and I would be happy. He really understands the pacing, feeling and look of these movies and reproduces them perfectly. It is easy to make a bad movie, difficult to make a good movie but it is really hard to make a great bad movie on purpose. A lot of people try and end up just making a bad bad movie. Rodriguez knows his business and is never in danger of failure here.

In addition to the violence, nudity and humor, Machete also wins in casting and performances. Danny Trejo finally gets his starring shot as the titular Machete. I am not sure if he is meant to be the same Machete he plays in the Spy Kids movies but if so, that is awesome. Trejo is a fixture in action movies in general and Robert Rodriguez movies in particular and he plays Machete a stoic badass who isn’t afraid to drop an occasional one liner. Not ground breaking but effective insofar as it is exactly what the role needs. Jeff Fahey is a great middle management villain who goes short on the mustache twirling and plays it more or less straight. Less straight is Steven Seagal who is absolutely hilarious as drug lord Torrez and it is actually on purpose. I give him kudos for making fun of himself a bit and doing something outside his usual shtick. Seeing him here makes me wish he could have managed an appearance in the Expendables. Hopefully he can show up for the sequel. Cheech Marin is on point as usual as a shot gun wielding priest and Don Johnson carries of his immigrant hunting douche bag with just the right amount of vinegar. The great Tom Savini is hilarious as a specialist hitman in that effortless way he does. Robert De Niro is Robert De Niro with a Texan accent which is all kinds of awesome and I am very glad they managed to pull him for this movie.

All that is well and good but the inclusion of Jessica Alba, Michelle Rodriguez and Lindsay Lohan are enough to jump this thing up a whole ten points. Jessica Alba’s shower scene alone guaranteed the film would get nothing less than a 9. Alba plays an ICE agent who eventually helps (and has sex with) Machete, Rodriguez plays the leader of the Network a loose organization helping immigrants who helps (and has sex with) Machete and Lohan plays the perpetually drunk and stoned daughter of Jeff Fahey’s Booth who has sex with (and helps) Machete. Aside from the exposed skin and just how hot they all are, the girls all deliver convincing performances. I am not sure how much Lohan is really acting as opposed to just showing up to set with the direction ‘go about your normal business’ but whichever the case that three-way scene is hilarious.

Conclusion [9.5 out of 1o]

Machete is not going to be for everyone. It requires a healthy sense of humor and an appreciation of this type of movie but if you are into it, you will have a great time. If you try to take it seriously you will hate it and probably get offended at some point and really that would be your own fault. It is pretty clear what kind of movie this is from the posters and the trailers so just bear that in mind when you are choosing whether or not to see it. This summer has been pretty good for throwback B movies and great intentionally bad ones an Machete is at the top of that pile. The movie is so good you could be knee deep in personal turmoil and it will still make you smile. That is damn good.