Old Tucson Studios slogan has long been ’12 Miles and 100 Years From Town’ but as of September 30^th, you are only going to have to go to your local bar to transport yourself back to the old west.

Yes that is right, it is now legal to carry concealed firearms in bars in Arizona. And really, it is about time that alcohol and concealed hand guns got together because alcohol and motor vehicles have really been slacking lately in terms of avoidable death caused by at least one person being a selfish, irresponsible asshole. I have been sitting around the past couple of weeks trying to figure out what the next innovation in completely backwards thinking which leads to innocent deaths would be and here it is. And really, good for Arizona state government. They get a problem like crippling unemployment for a huge percentage of its citizens and they deliver brilliant policy to take care of that unemployment issue. Give them guns to mix with alcohol and thin the herd a bit.

Brilliant.

Now I know the typical response to this line of thinking is to suggest I am some kind of pussy who wants to take away their god-given freedom.  Then they will spout something about their cold dead hands. I have always found it amusing that the gun obsessed say that you can take their guns when you pry it from their cold dead hands when, if statistics on gun deaths are to be believed, that is exactly how the CSI team will be collecting the weapon at the crime scene.

Looking at this new law, I really can’t come up with any scenario in which this is a good idea. I know that in the minds of many gun owners there is going to be some kind of Die Hard situation in which they will be called upon to save the bar from Eastern European terrorists or that their family will be threatened by godless marauders intent on rape and taking all of their money but realistically they are much more likely to just get drunk and shoot themselves or put a cap in that guy that said ‘excuse me’ to their girlfriend as he walked by.

The defense most supporters of this initiative mount is just that, ‘I need to protect my family.’ Okay so let’s take a look at that for a minute. First of all, how many people take their family out to the neighborhood dive bar? Is that the only way they can all see NASCAR? Does little Ricky have to be in the bar so he can get his pickled egg and video poker fix? If you are the sort of person that is going to drag the whole family into a bar as your idea of wholesome family fun then the person they need protection from is you.

So, pulling back a bit, maybe I am being obtuse and they are just talking about when they take their wives out for a night of drinking or karaoke. Fair enough, but again, what dangers are lurking the bar that these guys need to protect their wives from that the bouncers couldn’t take care of? Yeah sometimes dudes get drunk and hit on your girl but busting a cap in his ass is really not very reasonable.

It used to be that you just smashed a chair over his head and then fought in the parking lot when Dalton came over to ‘be nice until it was time not to be nice’ but now we have to worry about shots being fired which will most likely go into someone completely unrelated to the altercation. Oh I know, all you people are great shots and you have to have training to get the permit but if you are drunk enough (or enough of an asshole) to pull out a hand gun on someone for asking to buy your girl a drink then your aim is going to be for shit. Unless you took the test drunk in the first place, which I suppose is entirely possible.

The next classic defense is that without such sanctions only criminals will have guns in the bar. That is true I suppose but so what? That is true either way and when ordinary citizens are in the bar strapped they are more likely to think they are the Punisher and subsequently try to take the law in their own hands. Sure, you can show me a case where murders were avoided because some cowboy had a gun and pacified the situation but for each of those cases I can show you a dozen where innocent people were killed because of some delusional bastard who missed the point in Falling Down altogether.

Anyone who has worked a retail job can attest to the fact that armed robbery policy is to let robbers have the money and not try to fight back or engage them in a gun fight or Close Quarters Combat. There is never an addendum to that saying ‘unless you are packing heat, in which case ventilate that mother fucker like he was frozen lasagna in the microwave.’

Why is that? Because when you do that kind of crap you are much more likely to get yourself or others injured or killed. No money or personal items are worth your life and if you are carrying enough cash on you to completely ruin you financially to a bar then you weren’t going to walk out of there financially solvent gun crime or no.

And by and large we haven’t even gotten to the part where you are mixing alcohol with the ability to completely erase someone with the simple pull of a trigger. See the thing is, even if you are sold on the merits of carrying a gun everywhere you go, there is the added element of an otherwise responsible person being completely out of their minds and doing things they don’t mean to do. Anyone who has been drunk knows it is easy to make massive mistakes while under the influence. From the embarrassing shit like declaring you are Lord Maximus while wearing a blanket like a cape and making a pass at your mom to the life changing like getting herpes off the old lady in the bar who only has four of her original teeth and those are in a jar on her nightstand. That is to say nothing of getting behind the wheel and taking  away a set of parents’ whole reason for being.

So given the above, why is it so hard for people to admit that there is a very real danger of someone under the influence of alcohol shooting people? Pre-drunk intentions don’t matter. Most people who are carrying their gun into a bar are not going in intending to use the gun or to make the worst mistake of their lives. Most people are not looking to kill or cripple anyone just as a general rule. But you add alcohol into the mix and your ability to reason and see things clearly are impaired and mistakes happen. When handguns are involved those mistakes become much more serious.

Yeah I know that people with concealed weapons permits have gone through training and are obviously conscientious or they wouldn’t have bothered doing things legally in the first place. But plenty of conscientious people have done stupid things under the influence. Ask half the people you see riding the bus in business clothes how drinking and driving worked for them and their driver’s license. The responsible, conscientious decision here is to leave your gun at home if you are planning to go to a bar.

The next argument is that if you have a gun you can’t drink. You can go but you can’t drink. That is great. And if you drink, you can’t drive. Ask the woman who started M.A.D.D. how well that works out. ‘Oh but they got the concealed carry license so they are rule followers and would thus never break the rules.’ Sure, and when they were at the class they sat next to Santa Claus and the Loch Ness Monster. Also, do you really want your designated driver carrying a handgun? Think about all the stupid shit you do to annoy sober people when you are drunk and then ask yourself if you want them to have a handgun.

I can see an argument being made that single women in bars are in danger of being raped and that a handgun in her purse is necessary for her safety but again this is acting as if guns are some kind of universal answer to all safety concerns. The same confounds apply here.  While that sort of thing is obviously a danger, prevention steps such as self defense classes and carrying non-lethal self defense items like pepper spray are effective and do not carry the risk of accidentally shooting someone or shooting someone out of alcohol induced anger.

At the end of the day, it is not about taking rights away or about being a pussy, it is about common sense and prevention. There are times and places where firearms are appropriate but happy hour at the bar is not one of them. The odds of a person having to use a handgun for a legitimate reason in a bar are not at all in your favor. It is much more likely that you will shoot yourself in the leg like Plaxico Burres or you will shoot someone. It is not about rights or freedom, it is about keeping people safe and while the would be super-heroes out there will tell you that they can do just that with their concealed handgun, the truth is that they are just putting you at greater risk.

And just think about it Armed Vigilantes, Batman doesn’t carry a gun, he doles out justice with fists the way god intended. What are you too good for Batman?