I’ve been playing video games since I was a kid, back in the 80’s heyday of the arcades. I played them as much as I could and after having the knock-off specialist Texas Instruments system during those days, I have gone out of my way to own the systems that I want. After the N64 came out and had one good game a year, I made sure that I had all the major systems so I could play whatever I wanted when I wanted. I was dedicated too. From hustling Street Fighter 2 and 3 in the arcade to having all night Resident Evil sessions with my friends, I have been playing for a long time.  People have asked me, particularly former in-laws, why I play. I generally go with an answer that has something to do with escapism and then am forced into a long winded treatise on how, while I love movies and I read all the time, games are nice because of the level of interactivity. There are no movies scarier than playing through Silent Hill 2 for instance.  And that is true, I like being able to play games where I am some bad-ass hero who gets to fight monsters, zombies, aliens, gangsters, and Jack Thompson and forget for a second that there are aspects of my life that drip with loser juice. There are people out there who would suggest that those aspects have to do with playing games in the first place and to those people I say ‘Go Fuck Yourself.’ Unfortunately, however, as game technology becomes more advanced so too does the game play and you get games that are more realistic. That isn’t bad in and of itself, but sometimes the games get too realistic.

A couple of weeks ago, I found myself alone on a Saturday night ( I will pause for the gasping to die down. Done? Ok.) and I decided to spend my time with Fable II. Fable II is what is referred to as an Open World game, meaning you can pretty much do whatever you want whenever you want. As it happened, on this particular night I wanted to get my character laid. Now the game lets you do this, there is no graphic sex depicted but the screen goes black and you hear some sex noises. It isn’t really all that exciting but I wanted to see if I could get the ‘Swinger’ achievement for having an orgy.

So with that plan in mind, I put my quest to save the world and ruin the forces of evil’s shit on hold to try and sort out some strange.  It was sort of like the guys who declare they are going to go out for some pussy when they have the social acumen of canned tuna, which by the way is the closest most of them get to real life vag. I should know, we can smell our own… kind, not vaginas. Anyway, I went into the town square to attempt my courting and I set off a horrifying chain of events that made me put down my controller and stand in the shower for a half an hour.

So it started off with me dancing a bit, and just doing the sorts of gestures the game has available to make people like you and fall in love with you. This includes blowing kisses, whistling, doing a sock puppet show, showing off my muscles and asking them to follow me. I decided to forgo the farting expression because while you can make them laugh with you, there is also the risk of shitting your pants at which point they will be laughing at you. So I did my thing, laid my game down as it were and the women were interested. They were falling in love and sounded like they were trying to get up on my virtual pants-business. So far so good. According to the strategy guide, the instruction booklet, and the advice of friends, the next move is to get them to follow you to bed. Then you activate the bed and activate her G-spot… just like real life. What happened was that I accidentally got married, had to buy a house with half of my new sword money, get ragged on by my new wife about where we lived, my appearance, and how much money I was giving her every day. Then, after finally managing to fuck her, she got pregnant and I had a kid.

Holy fucking shit.

I am all for realism in games but this hits a bit close to home. I have to believe that for the majority of gamers out there  not being able to get laid on a Saturday night is exactly the sort of reality they are trying to escape from when they jump into games. To see my high school and college years reproduced for me in a magical fairy land was depressing. To see my 20’s and early 30’s play out afterward was straight up scary. I don’t need a bad relationship simulator. All I need for that is to close my eyes and search my memories. My past relationships have been bigger train wrecks than the Bush administration and my self confidence is more damaged than the current economy.

Now, I should note that the realism died down a bit when my virtual wife started giving me presents and didn’t divorce me after going off on a mission for 10 years at great personal effort and risk. But she DID bitch about the house and why she didn’t have better furniture. Also she felt my hair was too long and looked ridiculous.

I did eventually figure out the sex mechanic, which requires a thumbs up when you get to the bedroom or using the ‘come back to my place’ expression and much hi-jinks ensued. There is any amount of debauchery available up to and including the ability of your buddy coming in on an online LIVE game to join in on sex with your wife and he can get her pregnant. And that is just not very thoughtful since that bastard should have used a condom.

Once the mechanic is mastered, it can lead to the sort of escapism that makes the player feel like a pimp, but when things like joint bank accounts, childbirth and shew-harpy like behavior is on the line, I think maybe those features should be left on the drawing board. I don’t care for having to worry about what my family is doing while I am killing skeletons and pirates and I don’t care for watching my money get sucked away for said family’s upkeep. There are things in life I just don’t want to worry about in the virtual space and marriage and kids are two of them. STDs are another and I didn’t appreciate the seven of them I got from group sex with hookers.

How am I supposed to focus on fighting douche bags when I am worried my dude has syphilis?